It has been quite a long time since I last wrote. I thought about it several times . . . many, many times. I just wasn’t sure what to write. So here it goes . . .
I started this blog as a way to cope, to express, to be heard, to deal . . . to survive. I was in a dark tunnel and although there would be times when I would see light or rationally knew it existed although I couldn’t feel it or see it, I felt as if the darkness would NEVER end. I can honestly say it was the hardest time of my life. That being said, it became very hard for me to return to this forum over the past few months, for two reasons: I couldn’t enter the negative space I had created and I didn’t want to seem insensitive to others.
You see, only a few days after writing my last post, I found out I was pregnant again. I immediately expected the worst, my husband and I couldn’t believe we had conceived again and we couldn’t fathom another loss . . . but that is what we prepared for. I barely survived Christmas, just waiting for the what I thought was the inevitable. The day before New Years, my Dr called to let me know my HCG levels were not rising accordingly and that although they would retest after the New Year, it didn’t look so good. I was beyond a point of shock, it was almost as if life was happening without me. This was a movie about my life, but I wasn’t apart of it. So when the day came to test again, I sent a shell of myself to the Dr’s office. The Dr called, I put the phone on speaker and sat in my husbands lap as the nurse told us that my numbers were right where they should be. She explained that the lab must have made a mistake or that sometimes these things just happen. We had an appointment for the following week to see if our seed had heartbeat. Again, I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it but I wasn’t ready to feel.
The ultrasound appointment day came and I could barely walk I was so nervous. I wanted it to be over already. I wanted to be home with the answer. When the Dr announced there was a heartbeat, I think I exhaled for the first time in over a week.
And so it continued . . . every appointment I went to I waited for the other shoe to drop, and well I am now 36 weeks pregnant. While there has been an intense amount of nerves and anxiety throughout this journey, there has been a greater appreciation of the miracle that is transpiring. I am still in awe and not a morning goes by that I don’t treasure it (while worrying that my baby is ok).
Although I have reached this point, it does not eliminate where I have been. Without my past experiences I don’t think I’d treasure this true miracle for what it is. I thank all the powers that be on a daily basis and continue to pray that we make it through the rest of this journey healthy. I only hope that others see that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel and that miracles really do happen. I don’t know what things look like for the future, but all we can do is take it one day at a time and realize that today we survived and sometimes thats all we can ask for. So here’s to finally singing lullabies to my rainbow baby.