It’s been quite some time . . .

It has been quite a long time since I last wrote. I thought about it several times . . . many, many times. I just wasn’t sure what to write. So here it goes . . .

 

I started this blog as a way to cope, to express, to be heard, to deal . . . to survive. I was in a dark tunnel and although there would be times when I would see light or rationally knew it existed although I couldn’t feel it or see it, I felt as if the darkness would NEVER end. I can honestly say it was the hardest time of my life. That being said, it became very hard for me to return to this forum over the past few months, for two reasons: I couldn’t enter the negative space I had created and I didn’t want to seem insensitive to others.

You see, only a few days after writing my last post, I found out I was pregnant again. I immediately expected the worst, my husband and I couldn’t believe we had conceived again and we couldn’t fathom another loss . . . but that is what we prepared for. I barely survived Christmas, just waiting for the what I thought was the inevitable. The day before New Years, my Dr called to let me know my HCG levels were not rising accordingly and that although they would retest after the New Year, it didn’t look so good. I was beyond a point of shock, it was almost as if life was happening without me. This was a movie about my life, but I wasn’t apart of it. So when the day came to test again, I sent a shell of myself to the Dr’s office. The Dr called, I put the phone on speaker and sat in my husbands lap as the nurse told us that my numbers were right where they should be. She explained that the lab must have made a mistake or that sometimes these things just happen. We had an appointment for the following week to see if our seed had heartbeat. Again, I was in shock, I couldn’t believe it but I wasn’t ready to feel.

The ultrasound appointment day came and I could barely walk I was so nervous. I wanted it to be over already. I wanted to be home with the answer. When the Dr announced there was a heartbeat, I think I exhaled for the first time in over a week.

And so it continued . . . every appointment I went to I waited for the other shoe to drop, and well I am now 36 weeks pregnant. While there has been an intense amount of nerves and anxiety throughout this journey, there has been a greater appreciation of the miracle that is transpiring. I am still in awe and not a morning goes by that I don’t treasure it (while worrying that my baby is ok).

Although I have reached this point, it does not eliminate where I have been. Without my past experiences I don’t think I’d treasure this true miracle for what it is. I thank all the powers that be on a daily basis and continue to pray that we make it through the rest of this journey healthy. I only hope that others see that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel and that miracles really do happen. I don’t know what things look like for the future, but all we can do is take it one day at a time and realize that today we survived and sometimes thats all we can ask for.  So here’s to finally singing lullabies to my rainbow baby.

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EDD

Today I woke up feeling extra lethargic and irritable . . . this hasn’t been too unusual this past year throughout this rough journey. With Christmas so soon the hole in my heart feels bigger and more raw. I would of had a baby this Christmas. It’s hard. My emotions have been very up and down with the “holiday spirit”, somedays I feel happy and enjoy it, others it feels as if nothing could go right.

Today was one of the latter, it’s also my second pregnancy’s EDD. So how do I cope you may ask . . . let me tell you . . . I hide. My husband is out of town and I don’t work on Wednesdays so I boycotted life. I stayed in bed watching “Dexter” (furthest thing from babies and happiness .. . . serial killers) until 2. I thought I should get outside so I went for a walk and listened to christmas music as I walked. BIG MISTAKE. Not only did I pass the local elementary school as it let out for the day, but a song I have never heard before came on my Pandora station “The Last Christmas” by six pence none the richer. Here are the lyrics:

“I feel your heart beating
Inside my own skin
And I think about Mary
In Bethlehem

That night in a stable
Our saviour was born
Yes, we have so much
To be thankful for

On the last Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
Without you

They’re choosing the colours
Preparing your room
For one day; Midsummer
The advent of you

Together we wait for
A heavenly gift
Is winter a wonder?
Enchanted that this is

The last Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
Without you

See the stars shining for above
Hear the singing
Praise to the Giver of Life and Love
Maker of Beautiful things..

I feel you heart beating
Inside my own skin
And I think about Mary
In Bethlehem

When darkness was shattered
The dawn of God’s grace
And the journey’d begun
To the first Easter day

On the this Christmas
The last Christmas
The last Christmas
The very last Christmas
The last Christmas (x 3)
Without you”

So clearly about an expectant mother on the Christmas before her baby is due. OUCH. I may or may not have started sobbing on my walk, scaring young children. So my dear friends, I retreated home and realized that next time I’m feeling blue I should just stay home. So here I am continuing my “Dexter” marathon, enjoying my blood and murder . .. . avoiding giggles and babies.

Alright universe . . . “uncle”

IMG_9774

As the saying goes . . . when it rains, it pours.

I am not one to give up, in fact I’ve always been teased for my stubborn pride . . . but “uncle”. Really. Please it hurts, just stop. That’s what like I’d tell the universe, or whoever/whatever you may believe in. I just can’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take it when my neighbor’s due date was a day before my EDD and she had a healthy baby girl. I couldn’t take it when 2 of our close friends had babies in the past 6 months. I couldn’t take it when a friend accused me of not being able to understand, because I didn’t have kids. And I definitely couldn’t take it when this came in the mail.

So you may think i’m just bantering, but here is the story about this picture. My husband has an office in our house . . . or blackhole, depends who you ask. Since I’ve taken time off for the year, I have been nesting. I decided to help him out and clean things out. Amongst the old shoes, crumpled papers, and unopened mail I found this box. A package that was addressed to me and sent to our house only days ago. The package is a “Newborn Nutrition Kit” from Similac. My heart sank. I asked my husband about the box, he said it was delivered while I was out a few days ago and he decided to hide it from me, so I wouldn’t get upset. Such a sweet gesture. Call me masochistic, but when my husband wasn’t looking, I OPENED the box. When I say my husband wasn’t looking, I mean, I took it into my walk in closet shut the door sat on the floor and opened it next to the box of baby things I’ve accumulated over the past 3 pregnancies. So again, yes, I may be masochistic. Now let’s explore the box.

A letter congratulating me on the birth of my baby, who somehow they knew had been due last month. 3 different types of baby formulas. Coupons for formula and nipples. A guide to breastfeeding and transitioning to formula. Oh and a coupon for an app to help new moms keep track of feeding and diaper changing schedule. So my sunken heart went to being ripped out, shredded, and then trampled on. Needless to say it brought me to where I was supposed to be right now. Breastfeeding, smelling like spit up, changing runny diapers, sleepless, my house smelling like Johnson & Johnson lotion, and just so in love with my baby. To say I decompensated would be putting it lightly. I stayed in my closet, for a while, hoping that when I came out this wouldn’t really be my life . . . maybe I was just filming a scene of a lifetime movie. But of course, that wasn’t the case. I washed my face and continued to help my husband clean his office out. Hoping that the next day would be better and that maybe when I woke up tomorrow this all really was just a HUGE nightmare.

My Story

I guess its about time I let you know who I am and what my story is . . . so here it goes! I am a 26 year old who married the love of her life a little over a year ago. I am a therapist finishing my doctorate in clinical psychology. I am a yoga junkie, a lifelong dancer, and fitness enthusiast. I love cooking, decorating, and currently being a part time housewife. I have a fur baby . . . an 8 year old golden retriever named Roxi. I am a world traveler and love experiencing new cultures. I am addicted to sunshine and summers here in southern california. I am a beach girl (secretly want to be a mermaid when I grow up . . . shhh). But beyond all of those things . . . I am a mother.

My journey began roughly a year ago. After a fun night of drinks, food, and friends we had our first oops night . . . not really sure how else to put it. We waited and even worried a little, about whether or not I’d be pregnant. When my cycle came that month we both felt our hears sink a little, and that was when we realized that maybe we needed to have more “oops nights” . . . on purpose. We were ready to throw caution to the wind and let nature take it’s course. So the following month we went on a belated honeymoon on a Tahitian cruise line and had our fair share of “oops nights”. When we got back from our travels I was beyond exhausted and I blamed it on the traveling, jet lag, and adjustment of time changes. But then my period didn’t pay me a visit and I took a test . . . to my greatest surprise it was POSITIVE. At the time my husband was away on business and I kept my little secret to myself all day. I took another test that night just to be sure and yup, positive again. My husband was coming home the next day, so I rushed to target and bought a bunch of christmas baby clothes (gender neutral and it was on sale since it was mid january) and put together a “surprise! we’re having a baby” present for my husband. I remember leaving work early and being so nervous to get home and give my husband the present. His reaction was priceless. We were elated. We were shocked. We were the happiest we’d ever been since our wedding day. That was the last time I felt such an overwhelming sense of joy. 2 weeks later I started to spot. I went to the ER and we were able to see our little nugget with a strong heartbeat . . . . the next day I had a single gush of bleeding . . . cramping ensued. 24 hrs after being sent home from the ER, I was back in the ER being told I was losing my baby. I was 6 weeks 2 days pregnant.

My husband and I were beyond depressed after the miscarriage, but more determined than ever to have a baby. As soon as I was cleared to get pregnant again we started trying. 6 weeks after my miscarriage we conceived our second baby. We again, were beyond SURPRISED and happy, but a little worried right off the bat. A week and half later I started spotting. This time I went to the ER and they couldn’t find a heartbeat, could barely see the baby at all. I was given the news that it did not look good and I would probably start to fully miscarry in the next 24 hrs. I did. I was 6 weeks 1 day pregnant.

We were pretty destroyed. I knew something was wrong. I needed answers. We took some time to grieve and then went to see a fertility specialist. After several bloodtests, ultrasounds, poking and prodding . . . we found out I have mutations in my thrombophilia panel. What does that mean? I have a blood clotting disorder. There is not accurate blood flow to the uterus and at times blood clots in the uterus cutting off blood supply to the baby. What’s the treatment? Baby aspirin once a day, heparin shots twice a day, and just for fun some progesterone suppositories. I had also started acupuncture to help increase blood flow. So at this point I was taking aspirin, chinese herbs, prenatals, progesterone and ready to try again with the faith that we were fixing what was wrong. The 1st month we tried was negative and I had a mini break down. The second month . . . positive! We both were guarded, but felt this was it! This had to be our baby . . . we had already gone through too much. I started giving myself heparin shots that day . . . so not fun! I struggled to stay optimistic, the closer I got to 6 weeks the more scared and paranoid I became. I’d go to the bathroom just to see if I could see any color on the toilet paper when I wiped. I began to get morning sickness and took that as a good sign. At 6 weeks 5 days (yes I had made it past my other pregnancies) we had an ultrasound and we saw a heartbeat . . . it was faint . . . but it was there. The doctor said our dates might have been off, he wanted us to come back in next week. The week passed by and although I had a spotting scare one day, it had only lasted an hour. We went in for our second ultrasound and as soon as I saw the baby I didn’t see the comfort of a flutter. There was no heartbeat. I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. We had lost our third baby. We were defeated. The Dr suggested a D&C so we could do genetic testing, to try to get more answers. I made it through the weekend without bleeding knowing I was carrying my deceased baby. I had the D&C very early monday morning. I was 8 weeks 4 days pregnant.

We found out our baby boy had trisomy 16 and there was nothing anyone could have done to bring him to full term.  And here we are. It has been 2 months since my D&C and although each day gets better, I am devastated. We have commemorated our first babies due date and are quickly approaching the second. We are unsure what our next step will be or when it will be. Right now we are focusing on our relationship and my health. So my dear readers that is me. That is my story and the story of my babies.